Note: Please leave judgments at the door. This is my space. I won't apologize for my feelings or thought process even if some of them aren't PC enough for the public. We've come to a happy place but want to be honest about how we got here as we believe it to be normal reactions. Thank you.
TUESDAY, MARCH 5TH
What started as a casual check on my reproductive status, led to a domino effect of appointments, conversations and decisions that have changed every part of David's and my life. On this fateful morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test to simply put the possibility aside so I could get checked for more serious things based on the occasional health issues that I had been experiencing in the past few months.
We had bought the pregnancy test the week before and our casual attitude caused us to push this off for a whole week. Monday had gotten away from us so I decided first thing on Tuesday morning, I would take the test. Why that morning in particular? Random decision that I can't explain. I took the test alone in the bathroom, insisting to David that all would be ok and would be a quick test...
I did not expect it to show results so quickly. It definitively turned to a plus sign - signifying a positive pregnancy. Immediately, my stomach sank - what?! how could this be?! Admittedly, this isn't my first time taking a pregnancy test but clearly, my results had been negative in the past - I never expected to see a positive result. I quickly moved to the second test, uncertain if I really expected a different result but needed some sort of confirmation either way. Alas, another positive result. From there, panic and tears began to set in. How could this happen?! What does it mean? I have an IUD - in fact, it's my second round of IUD. How could life have possibly been created despite the barriers that were set in place? It never once occured to me that the IUD could fail.
David and I had talked before about what his reactions/feelings would be should we have an unplanned pregnancy and while it wouldn't be ideal, he always declared that he would be happy and would step up in every way possible. That said, my worries still sat in the back of my mind - unsure if his real reaction would be the same. I walked back into the bedroom and David eagerly asked for the results. I collapsed into the bed and began sobbing, showing him the positive test. His exact words and reaction escape me but I vaguely remember his reassurance and comfort, acknowledging that everything was going to be ok and that we would handle it one way or another. This was not the pregnancy reveal I had imagined. I immediately felt guilty, like I had failed our relationship in not protecting us more. He assured me once more that it takes two people to make a baby. But I couldn't stop the waves of distress, guilt, worry and sadness from flooding. Uncertain about everything and anything to do with being pregnant, our only next option would be to consult a doctor and figure out what next steps needed to be taken.
There's nothing more stomach turning than having a doctor say congratulations to you when you're faced with an unplanned and possibly unwanted pregnancy... I was forced to nod politely, quietly say thank you and try to move forward with my distressing questions. "There's no time for congrats now, this isn't what I planned...what do I do now?" was all I could think about in my head.
Becoming pregnant suddenly felt very serious as we contemplated our feelings openly about alternatives to parenting; abortion and adoption. And while I will not share my personal feelings on either now in this moment, I will reveal enough to say that options were...considered. I envy no woman who finds herself in the same place but in more dire circumstances. I am fortunate enough to have a loving partner, a stable home, a full time job with regular income, supportive family and friends and yet...we still struggled with our decision and the impact having a child has on the collective world. We cried and flipped back and forth on our choices, sometimes with only minutes between each decision. It's been a long while since I was this emotionally distressed.
At this stage, from our early calculations, we contemplated (and ultimately suggested to the doctor) that we couldn't be more than 2 months along but because my period is irregular, normal calculations using my last menstrusal cycle couldn't be trusted. She suggested that the next step would be getting a dating ultrasound to be certain how far along I was. The doctor provided warnings since an IUD was present. The odds were not in our favour, she mentionned. Complications and a possible miscarriage was elevated since my body was not prepped to house a baby - in fact, we were actively trying prevent it. Uncertain of where the IUD was now located in my body - if it was still present at all, added to the uncertainty and concern on my chances for a healthy pregnancy. Now I was faced to contemplate a scenario of an unwanted pregnancy or an unhealthy/unviable one. I'm not sure which was worse.
In the parking lot outside of the walk in clinic, I cried some more, completely in shock of what transpired that morning. A quick call to the imaging clinic meant that we had an appointment set up for the next mornin for the ultrasound. For now, there was nothing else we could do. David took the rest of the day off to help me cope and we both spent most of the day in bed talking and crying and worried.
As surprising as finding out about the pregnancy was, we were not at all prepared for what the next day had in store...
P.S. The two tests pictured in the header image are the original tests I took in the morning. Unfortunately, due to the waves of emotions and decisions we faced that week, we ended up throwing them out after each taking a photo. We decided later in the week, when feelings had settled and happier emotions dominated, to take another pregnancy test (shown in picture above) to keep as a positive momento and helped to give us a fresh start on our pregnancy journey.