It's easy to groan about the discomforts and pains that pregnancy can bring. I've read of far worse experiences than my own, so I can only imagine just how hard it can get. I don't know what I thought pregnancy would be like. I dont' know when I thought I'd even get pregnant. A part of me kinda hoped the stork thing was still an option and one of your own got delivered, just like Amazon. I wanted to believe the Boss Baby movie in my pre-pregnancy days.
As I near the end of my pregnancy, its truly become a bittersweet time. Each day is more uncomfortable than the last. David lovingly reminds me that there's only so much time left and so I won't have to deal with it anymore. And then I get graduation goggles, where I start to reminisce about how short my acknowledged pregnancy time was and I beg my body to let it continue to last one day after the next. I'm not ready to say goodbye to this stage of bonding, even if the next one will be just as good. It's not that I love being this round or that every part of pregnancy is blissful, but its a sacred time in my life that I'm not sure when I'll get to do again. Despite my constant worries, I've been blessed with a child who seems to be developing in every way necessary inside of me.
And even before completing this pregnancy, my various medical team have already pre-warned me of the challenges I might face in conceiving and carrying another child. Almost to suggest 'you got lucky this time but don't expect similar results on your second go.' The weight of that has burdened me mentally lately. Not in a way that has manifested into a fear but more so a dose of reality with a splash of sadness.
I find myself often suggesting to David that I'll do certain things differently next time - take more photos/track my baby bump, eat differently/better, pay attention to my health, purchase certain pregnancy wants, wear a different outfit/pick a different location for the maternity shoot, theme the baby shower differently...etc. As I reflect on all those future options, I realize... 'What if I don't get a second chance at this? What if we're only blessed with our one miracle child?' The thought helps me to savour and sometimes become emotionally overwhelmed by my remaining pregnancy. When I want to complain about my body not feeling the best, that thought helps to ground my expectations.
Perhaps its pessimistic to think this way - of course I'll have another baby someday but I'm using it for now as a way to cope and enjoy in the present moment. My sister-in-law recently asked me 'Will you miss being pregnant?' and without hesitation, the answer is yes.I'll miss feeling her kick inside my belly - even if they're so forceful at times it takes my breath away. I'll miss the kind concern of all those around me who wish only the best for my health and happiness through this process. I'll miss touching my belly and being amazed that something/someone could be growing inside. I'll miss seeing the general excitement and joy that seems to wash over every person I share the new with - my own way of sprinkling happiness.